Dear Straight, White, Christian Men,

It has recently come to my attention that some of you may seem to think that some portion of your identity is under attack, be it by the “lame stream media,” the liberals, the secularists, the gub’ment, or the ghost of Ted Kennedy.

I’m here to assure you that it is, in fact, not.

To paraphrase Jon Stewart, you seem to be confusing “war” with “not getting everything you want all the time.” Because, you see, even though you are represented incredibly disproportionately in positions of power, there are other people in this world who are different than you. And sometimes, those people deserve to have some attention paid to their wants, needs, and even rights. I know, I know, that’s scary. But don’t worry! You still hold the lions share of the power, and that’ll be the case for some time.

I also want to make it clear that just because the current murder that is making the headlines is about a white guy who shot a black kid, that doesn’t mean the media isn’t all of a sudden going to stop giving a disproportionate amount of air time to violence against white people. Seriously, they aren’t. You don’t need to write articles about it. Writing scads of letters about white people who have been murdered and demanding that people take time away from Trayvon Martin’s murder makes it seem like you can’t stomach caring about a youth of color for five minutes – and that is actually racist.

And Christians, don’t worry. Your religion is safe. I mean sure, some people think that its not okay for you to tell others what to do based on your religious views, but you’re still well over-represented in Congress, and there have been a record number of laws proposed and passed that implant your religious beliefs firmly in the uterus of every American woman. As an atheist that is about to be living in a state that says I can’t hold public office because of my religious beliefs, I have a hard time taking someone in the religious majority seriously who complains about religious persecution. That’s not religious persecution. I pinky promise.

And guys. Oh, guys. I know, I know, there are laws right now that say you have to pay child support, even if you don’t want the kid. Super unfair, right? But that doesn’t mean you should get the right to force a woman to go through something as painful, risky, and life consuming as pregnancy and childbirth against her will. It really doesn’t. And on the bright side, your position as the ruling gender is still firmly in place.

We aren’t trying to all be “sluts” trying to either trap you with a surprise pregnancy or force you to pay for our buckets of birth control, we just want the same prescription coverage that YOU also benefit from. (As a side note – how often have you relied on a girl to be on birth control vs how often have oh helped pay for it? I paid $50 a month for my pills for YEARS. I’ve had one boyfriend offer to help cover the costs. Step up, guys.) 

And sure, some girls think that guys should be “super buff” or whatever. Manscaping is on the rise! But the dudes on Jersey Shore getting screen time does not mean you know what it’s like to be objectified by the media from cradle to grave. Come back and talk to me when makeup is part of your dress code and your unmade face is considered unprofessional. We can start having a chat when someone writes a book aimed at 6 year old boys telling them they need to lose weight to be happy and have friends. As a side note, just because the girl you like keeps dating douchebags and then crying on your shoulder and you’ve been “such an awesome friend” to her doesn’t mean she owes you sex or she’s a “dumb bitch” for not dating you and giving you blowies every night. That’s actually a pretty douche move on your part, bro.

And finally, fellow straight people. For you straight people who seem to think your marriage is so weak that allowing people who aren’t just like you the same rights is a threat to your marriage: it isn’t. It just isn’t. You will be just as married, and just as happy or unhappy in your marriage as you were whether or not gay people can also get married. So please, quit pissing and moaning about the erosion of your freedom while supporting bans on gay marriage. You not being able to tell other people what they can and cannot do is in no way, shape, or form an attack on your marriage or religion. If your god doesn’t like it, let your god deal with it on their own time. 

This has been a Lawsonry PSA to straight white Christian males who seem to be confusing “other people trying to gain equality” with “a radical secular agenda that will destroy America and bring about armageddon.” Please try and take note.

Smooches,
Sami